Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
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The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
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You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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