So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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