my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
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The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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