so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
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The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
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Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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