I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
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I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
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Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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