in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
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He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
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you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize