He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
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It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
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Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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