he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
This is my gift to your gina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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