I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize