I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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