Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
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Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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