He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
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Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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