Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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