Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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