3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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