I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize