I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize