I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
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my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
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I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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