i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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