Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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