How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
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He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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