Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize