She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
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"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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