I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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