I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish I only lived at night.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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