I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
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Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
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I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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