yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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