I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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