A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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