john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
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I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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