he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
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The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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