its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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