Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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