Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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