he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize