I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
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It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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