brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
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my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
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And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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