I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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