Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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