i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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