I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
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dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
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Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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