Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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