billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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