I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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