You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
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So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
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You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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