I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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