if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
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Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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