Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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