its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
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