I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
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He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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